One thing I love about life is this: you have the power to become, be, do, and have what you choose—and it is not society (or dysfunctional mindsets) that gets to write your destiny.
As an African American woman, I’ve learned that growth can make certain environments uncomfortable—especially when your education expands your lens, your self-worth solidifies, and your boundaries get clearer. And when you “breathe new air,” it doesn’t erase the past; it often refines the lesson and sharpens discernment.
What I noticed
- When I returned with a broader perspective, some people didn’t celebrate—it felt like they compared. (That comparison can become quiet resentment.)
- In spaces where people are used to you playing a certain role, your growth can be treated like betrayal instead of progress.
- “Drama-free” requires discipline: I had to learn that access is earned, not assumed—even with familiar faces.
- New environments didn’t make people perfect—they made my discernment stronger. People are people everywhere. The difference is whether you keep giving the wrong people a front-row seat to your life.
What it means
1) Growth disrupts group comfort (and some groups try to “level” you)
Social psychology describes tall poppy syndrome as a social “leveling” response—when someone stands out, others may feel motivated to cut them down to restore sameness. (Taylor & Francis Online)
2) Your progress can trigger comparison, not celebration
Social Comparison Theory explains that people naturally evaluate themselves through comparison—so your expansion can unintentionally become a mirror that others don’t want to look into. (SAGE Journals)
3) Envy doesn’t always look like anger—it can look like undermining
Organizational research links envy to social undermining (subtle behaviors meant to weaken someone’s standing), especially when moral “excuses” are available and group identification is low. (Experts@Minnesota)
4) Some systems resist change—even when the old way is harmful
Family systems scholarship describes homeostasis: systems often try to pull you back into familiar patterns to maintain stability (even if those patterns are dysfunctional). (ScienceDirect)
5) Your mental health strengthens when you choose autonomy and aligned community
Self-Determination Theory shows that well-being is supported when autonomy, competence, and healthy connection are protected—meaning it’s not “selfish” to change environments and relationships when those needs are constantly violated. (Self Determination Theory)
6) For Black women, “uncomfortable experiences” can be amplified by societal context
Research on stereotype threat shows how social context and evaluation pressure can affect performance and stress—especially for groups navigating negative stereotypes. (PubMed)
7) “New air gave me wisdom” has a research name
Posttraumatic growth describes positive change that can emerge from struggle—greater clarity, stronger boundaries, deeper purpose—not because harm is good, but because resilience and meaning-making are real. (Boulder Crest Foundation)
8) Boundaries are not an attitude—boundaries are a strategy
Boundary theory explains how people create and manage lines between domains and relationships to reduce stress and role conflict—translation: you’re not “changing,” you’re structuring your life for health. (Academy of Management Journals)
What I’m doing differently now
- I don’t argue with people’s projections—I adjust access.
- I measure character by fruit and consistency, not charisma.
- I choose circles that can handle my growth without competing with it.
- I protect my autonomy: I do not negotiate with dysfunction.
- I treat my peace like an asset—because it is.
- I let distance do its holy work: sometimes separation is protection.
Scripture that grounds my discernment
- Proverbs 4:23 — Guard your heart; it shapes your life.
- Romans 12:2 — A renewed mind produces a transformed life.
- Matthew 7:16 — You will know them by their fruit.
- Psalm 75:6–7 — Elevation/promotion doesn’t come from people.
- Isaiah 54:17 — What’s assigned against you won’t prosper.
Breathing new air didn’t make me better than anybody—it made me clearer. And I will not keep giving access to people who need me small to feel safe.
References (Scientific)
- Ashforth, B. E., Kreiner, G. E., & Fugate, M. (2000). All in a Day’s Work: Boundaries and Micro Role Transitions. Academy of Management Review. (Academy of Management Journals)
- Bulger, C. A., Matthews, R. A., & Hoffman, M. E. (2007). Work and personal life boundary management. Journal of Occupational Health Psychology. (PubMed)
- Calhoun, L. G., & Tedeschi, R. G. (2004). The Foundations of Posttraumatic Growth: New Considerations. Psychological Inquiry (PDF via PTGI). (Boulder Crest Foundation)
- Duffy, M. K., Scott, K. L., Shaw, J. D., Tepper, B. J., & Aquino, K. (2012). A Social Context Model of Envy and Social Undermining. Academy of Management Journal. (Experts@Minnesota)
- Festinger, L. (1954). A Theory of Social Comparison Processes. Human Relations. (SAGE Journals)
- Marques, M. D. (2022). Attitudes towards favoring the fall of Tall Poppies… The Journal of Social Psychology. (Taylor & Francis Online)
- Ryan, R. M., & Deci, E. L. (2000). Self-determination theory and the facilitation of intrinsic motivation, social development, and well-being. American Psychologist. (Self Determination Theory)
- Steele, C. M., & Aronson, J. (1995). Stereotype threat and the intellectual test performance of African Americans. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. (PubMed)
- “Family systems” homeostasis overview (systems resist change). ScienceDirect Topics; Bowen Center overview. (ScienceDirect)
Scripture
Proverbs 4:23; Romans 12:2; Matthew 7:16; Psalm 75:6–7; Isaiah 54:17.
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