Going back home after five years away, taught me something I didn’t expect: not everyone celebrates your evolution.
Family/home culture “homeostasis”: Family systems theory uses homeostasis to describe how families resist change and push members back into old roles—even when those roles are unhealthy—because predictability feels safer than growth.
I returned to my hometown thinking it would feel like comfort—like alignment. But sometimes “home” doesn’t clap when you’ve outgrown the version of yourself people were comfortable controlling.
And the messy part? Church was supposed to be a safe haven for Black people. Yet I learned that some folks can quote scripture, lift their hands, and still feel threatened by your growth. People can have more than you and still resent your personal development—because it’s not about what you have… it’s about what you’re becoming.
Social psychology has a name for this impulse to “cut down” those who rise: tall poppy syndrome—a backlash toward people who stand out or elevate. (Marques, 2022).
I had also forgotten this truth: some people never leave. So when you leave, learn, expand, and return with a fresh perspective, it can feel “unacceptable” to those who stayed the same and made peace with limitation.
Growing up with a single mother was my reality—and I honor my mother for giving me life. But I’m also honest enough to say: I did not choose the same path. My grandmother showed me something different: education, self-love, and a moral compass. I decided those values were worth building my life around.
I’ve heard it said that in parts of the South, many mothers expect their daughters to follow their same blueprint. But I’ve learned this: If the blueprint doesn’t take me where I’m called to go, I’m allowed to rewrite it.
And yes—I took chances in life.
My first marriage was a mistake. My second marriage was a joke and lesson. And my life is a testimony.
Although we both knew we were taking chances, I wasn’t prepared for the gaslighting—or for discovering false pretenses beneath a “godly” presentation. Gaslighting is not merely conflict; it can function as a patterned form of control that destabilizes a person’s sense of reality and credibility over time, if the person is not conscious and aware. (Sweet, 2019).
Here is the wisdom experience will teach you if you let it: presentation is not character. A title is not integrity. And sometimes the most educated people can carry the worst character.
Research on envy and social undermining also explains why growth can attract opposition: when people feel threatened, they may engage in subtle behaviors meant to weaken, discredit, or isolate the person they envy. (Duffy et al., 2012).
So after false accusations, violations of my boundaries, coercive aggression, and a tainted circle, I made a disciplined choice: I chose myself. Sometimes you must protect yourself beyond empathy—because empathy without discernment can become exposure. Scholarship on emotional intelligence and “dark” interpersonal tactics underscores that some individuals can read emotions well enough to manipulate rather than nurture. (Austin et al., 2007).
Once God elevates you, don’t be pulled back down by “bugs” with no good intentions. My past, my upbringing, and my hometown cannot stop what God has already said YES to.
References (Scientific)
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Austin, E. J., Farrelly, D., Black, C., & Moore, H. (2007). Emotional intelligence, Machiavellianism and emotional manipulation: Does EI have a dark side? Personality and Individual Differences, 43, 179–189.
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Duffy, M. K., Scott, K. L., Shaw, J. D., Tepper, B. J., & Aquino, K. (2012). A social context model of envy and social undermining. Academy of Management Journal, 55(3), 643–666.
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Marques, M. D. (2022). Attitudes towards favoring the fall of tall poppies… The Journal of Social Psychology.
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Sweet, P. L. (2019). The Sociology of Gaslighting. American Sociological Review, 84(5), 851–875.
References (Scripture)
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Proverbs 4:23 — Guard your heart; it shapes the course of life.
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Matthew 7:16 — You will know them by their fruit.
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Psalm 75:6–7 — Promotion/elevation comes from God.
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Isaiah 54:17 — No weapon formed against you shall prosper.
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1 Peter 5:8 — Be sober-minded; be watchful.
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