When “God Intentions” Turn Into False Pretenses: A Woman’s Wake-Up Call

Some lessons don’t come wrapped in comfort—they come wrapped in clarity.

A woman I spoke with said she met “the nicest man.” He presented as faith-filled, aligned with her values, supportive of her career, and emotionally safe. It looked like answered prayer… until the mask slipped. Suddenly, the warmth disappeared and what remained felt like darkness—irritability, reclusiveness, emotional instability, and a refusal to address basic health concerns.

Then came the details that changed everything.

Before marriage, he claimed he could perform sexually—only for her to realize his impotence appeared permanent. The marriage was never consummated. And the more time passed, the more she felt protected that it wasn’t. Because when a person is hiding one major truth, you have to ask: What else are they hiding?

Her conclusion was simple—and it’s the answer many women eventually reach:

When you realize you’ve been married under false pretenses, you don’t argue your way into safety. You prepare your way out.

Red Flags That Aren’t “Culture”—They’re Control

She tried to be compassionate and culturally aware. She told herself, “Maybe this is normal where he’s from. Maybe I’m misreading it.” But discernment doesn’t scream—it confirms.

What she observed looked less like cultural difference and more like avoidance, deception, and power plays:

• Refusing to seek medical care while claiming dangerously high blood pressure (and offering excuses like “doctors experiment”).

• Escalating irritability, sleeplessness, and suspicious behavior.

• A shift from supportive to threatened once he saw her drive for a better future.

• Repeated divorce threats as emotional leverage.

• Attempting to control what she can say by threatening, “I won’t sign annulment papers if you tell people.”

That last one matters: when someone uses paperwork, silence, shame, or fear as a weapon, it’s not love—it’s leverage.

Health Is Stewardship, Not an Afterthought

Here’s the part many women avoid saying out loud because they don’t want to sound “mean” or “judgmental”:

Your body and your life are not a charity project.

If you are marrying—especially when there are major unknowns, long-distance backgrounds, or complicated histories—make health verification non-negotiable. That’s not distrust. That’s wisdom.

Public health guidance supports testing as a normal part of responsible relationships: the CDC encourages partners to discuss HIV status and consider getting tested together before sex with a new partner. CDC+1

And globally, UNAIDS notes the time between HIV infection and AIDS can vary widely—often 10–15 years, sometimes longer—meaning someone can appear “fine” for a long time without treatment, and longer still with treatment. UNAIDS

HIV in Africa: Facts, Not Fear

Let’s be clear: HIV exists worldwide. But parts of Africa carry a heavier burden due to complex factors like access to prevention, testing, treatment, stigma, and funding.

Here are the numbers that ground this conversation in reality:

• Eastern & Southern Africa: 20.8 million people were living with HIV (2023 estimate). UNAIDS

• Western & Central Africa: 5.1 million people were living with HIV (2023 estimate). UNAIDS

• South Africa alone: 7.7 million people were living with HIV (2023). UNAIDS

• In sub-Saharan Africa, women and girls accounted for 63% of new HIV infections in 2024. UNAIDS+1

Can people live with HIV a long time?

Yes—especially with consistent treatment.

• In Eastern & Southern Africa, UNAIDS estimates 83% of people living with HIV were on treatment and 78% were virally suppressed (2023). UNAIDS

• In Western & Central Africa, UNAIDS estimates 76% were on treatment and 70% were virally suppressed (2023). UNAIDS

• In the U.S., CDC reported that a person diagnosed at age 20 who starts treatment immediately and stays on it consistently can expect to live about 51 additional years, approaching general population life expectancy. CDC

• U.S. federal HIV guidelines note that with ART success, life expectancy is approaching that of people without HIV. ClinicalInfo

So yes—many people live long lives with HIV. That’s exactly why testing matters: not to shame anyone, but to protect everyone.

If You Suspect False Pretenses: What a Prepared Exit Looks Like

If a woman is being threatened, manipulated, or pressured into silence, she doesn’t “pray harder” and ignore reality. She prays and moves wisely.

Here’s what “preparing to get away” can look like (non-legal, common-sense safety steps):

• Speak to an attorney about annulment/divorce options where you live (laws vary).

• Stop sharing sensitive information (SSN, immigration paperwork, accounts, passwords, and do not allow him to get life insurance on you).

• Secure your documents (ID, birth certificate, marriage certificate, insurance records).

• Separate finances if possible; document contributions and major events.

• Get tested (and require joint testing before any intimacy in future relationships).

• Build a support plan: trusted friend, counselor, faith leader, women’s resource center.

• If threats escalate, treat it as a safety issue, not a “marriage issue.”

Because when someone marries under deception, the real battle often becomes this: Will she ignore her discernment to protect his image—or will she protect her life?

The devil doesn’t always show up looking like evil. Sometimes he shows up looking “answered prayer.” But discernment will always expose what performance tries to hide.

References

• UNAIDS. Global HIV & AIDS statistics — Fact sheet (includes gender distribution and sub-Saharan Africa figures). UNAIDS+2UNAIDS+2

• UNAIDS. 2024 Global AIDS Update – Eastern and Southern Africa regional profile (20.8M living with HIV; treatment/suppression estimates). UNAIDS

• UNAIDS. 2024 Global AIDS Update – Western and Central Africa regional profile (5.1M living with HIV; treatment/suppression estimates). UNAIDS

• UNAIDS. FAQ: How quickly do people infected with HIV develop AIDS? (often 10–15 years, sometimes longer). UNAIDS

• CDC. Getting Tested for HIV (partners should discuss status and consider testing together). CDC+1

• CDC (MMWR). Vital Signs: HIV Diagnosis, Care, and Treatment… (life expectancy with early, consistent ART; reduced transmission). CDC

• U.S. DHHS/NIH Clinical Info. Adult & Adolescent ARV Guidelines – What’s New (life expectancy approaching people without HIV with ART success). ClinicalInfo

• UNAIDS press release on South Africa (7.7M living with HIV in 2023). UNAIDS

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