One thing I’ve learned—especially being married to a doctor—is this: the caliber of people you surround yourself with matters. When you’ve grown and matured, you can’t entertain just anyone the way you did in earlier seasons.
You will meet people all day long. You can be kind. You can be respectful. You can even be friendly. But not everyone you encounter is someone you should “take home” with you—emotionally, mentally, spiritually, or physically.
Your Circle Shapes Your Mind
I’ve discovered something to be true in my own life: the people you’re consistently around can influence your mindset. Research supports that humans learn and shift behavior through observation, modeling, and reinforcement. And social norms can spread inside networks—meaning what your circle treats as “normal” can start to feel normal to you, too.
I remember dating a man in the legal field who was emotionally immature—and so were his friends. Over time, I drifted away from my own disciplines: reading, defining what I was learning, personal improvement, and mental clarity. It wasn’t because they forced me to change; it was because the environment made stagnation feel normal.
Then I met my husband. He was more intellectually compatible. He didn’t just “like” who I was—he added to my curiosity, my growth, and my desire to keep expanding. That’s when I realized: the right person doesn’t just attract you—they elevate you.
And for me, that elevation isn’t just “success.” It’s wellness. Modern medicine even has language for it: the biopsychosocial model recognizes that health is shaped by the interaction of your biology, your psychology, and your social environment—not just what’s happening in your body.
When Hypocrisy Hides Where It “Shouldn’t” Be
Sometimes, even in circles where hypocrisy should not be, it lies hidden right on the surface. People can preach love and still practice envy. They can speak unity and still move in quiet competition. They can claim maturity, but condemn anyone who thinks independently.
And I want to say this clearly: thinking independently should be applauded, not condemned. Growth requires courage—the courage to ask questions, to challenge what never made sense, and to be honest about what is healthy and what is toxic.
If you ever find yourself in a circle where you are required to hate other races—or even your own—just because you stand out and think outside the box, leave those circles. That kind of conditioning doesn’t build you; it cages you.
And here’s the blessing in it: when you walk away from toxic conformity, the right people—people who are spiritually grounded and intellectually compatible—will naturally gravitate toward you.
What I Learned About Relationships in My Youth
I also had to face a hard truth: many relationships in my younger years were built on the wrong foundation.
For a season, sex was the main component. And when the sex got old, the relationship got old. I confused intensity for intimacy. The emotional connection tied to sex wasn’t love—it was a tool I used to try to strengthen a bond that didn’t have enough substance to stand on its own.
Those relationships ended… because chemistry can’t replace character, and physical connection can’t carry what emotional maturity is supposed to hold.
Celibacy Taught Me My Worth
After years of celibacy, something powerful happened: I grew.
Not just spiritually—but emotionally and mentally. I poured into personal improvement. I learned how to soothe myself, strengthen myself, and stop confusing attention with love.
I discovered my worth wasn’t determined by how well I could please a man—it was determined by my mind, my confidence, my boundaries, and the value I bring to the relationships I build.
And as I’ve gotten older, I’ve come to believe something strongly:
Not everyone should be able to place hands on your body.
You can desire intimacy without discounting your worth. You can want connection without giving access to people who aren’t aligned with your values, your safety, or your future.
“Fun” Has Consequences
When I watch young people normalize promiscuity, I worry—not because I’m judging them, but because I understand how quickly “fun” can become consequences when people aren’t responsible.
And I can say that humbly, because I remember my own foolish seasons too.
But when you know better, you change. You become more intentional. You start asking better questions. You stop letting desire override discernment.
Because whether it’s oral sex or anything else, we should know who we’re involving ourselves with—and we should prioritize consent, respect, protection, and responsibility. Pleasure without wisdom is expensive.
And this isn’t just a “moral” conversation—public health data shows STIs remain a major issue in the U.S., even with recent declines, which is why intentional, responsible choices still matter.
What I Live By Now
Your circle matters. Your standards protect your future. Your body deserves discernment. Your peace is not negotiable. Your mind is part of your intimacy.
I’m not here to shame anyone. I’m here to say this: growth changes what you tolerate—and maturity teaches you that access is earned, not given.
When You Can Sense It in the Church Too
There came a season where I stepped back from church fellowship—not because I stopped loving God, but because I could sense the same spirit outside of church that I was seeing inside. The same jealousy. The same gossip. The same quiet competition. And I had to accept a hard truth: a building doesn’t make people healed—God does.
When your growth makes people feel threatened, that’s their problem—not yours. You’re not responsible for other people’s insecurity. Your assignment is to keep becoming who God called you to be, even if it exposes what others refuse to confront in themselves.
God is within us. And history has shown that even people called to do great things were not always celebrated by “their own.” Martin and Malcolm were ridiculed—even by fellow believers and community voices who should have been able to recognize purpose when they saw it.
So I ask this with sincerity: What will it take for Christians, Black communities, and believers of all backgrounds to stop tearing each other down—and start applauding growth, wisdom, and courage? If we can learn to honor what’s good, support what’s rising, and correct each other with love instead of envy, we won’t just talk about unity—we’ll finally live it.
References (APA 7th)
- Bandura, A. (1977). Social learning theory. Prentice Hall.
- Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2025, September 24). Sexually transmitted infections surveillance, 2024 (provisional).
- Christakis, N. A., & Fowler, J. H. (2007). The spread of obesity in a large social network over 32 years. New England Journal of Medicine, 357(4), 370–379. https://doi.org/10.1056/NEJMsa066082
- Engel, G. L. (1977). The need for a new medical model: A challenge for biomedicine. Science, 196(4286), 129–136. https://doi.org/10.1126/science.847460
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